I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
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Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking