If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
You Might Also Like
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days