I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
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Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
liiiiiiiiike