There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
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I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?