If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
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[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Pikachu found the lost joint
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”