[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
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Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.