If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
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motivation
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?