Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
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Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.