Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
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Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
The news
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.