That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
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Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now