Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
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Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Breaking news:
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.