My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
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If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
How high do the levels go?
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president