CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
You Might Also Like
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
[eats all your cotton candy]
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.