Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
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Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.