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I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Dolls on drugs
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us