Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
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Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
I wish this was real life…
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE