Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
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Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
I’m confused about plants
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.