Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
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No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
oh u like geography? name every lake
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.