me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
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[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Meme Monday.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.