I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
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Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns