Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
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FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
This is the one
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank