[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
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Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
What the hell happened here.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.