Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
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imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t