Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
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Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Sign at work today
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”