Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
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If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way