Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
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GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.