A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
You Might Also Like
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
🏙👨🏼
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you