What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
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You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
why does this building look like a guilty dog
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Yup
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!