If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
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I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.