The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
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ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs