me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
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Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.