Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
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[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.