*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
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if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
kids play hide and seek like
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.