Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
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Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.