Omg 🤣
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[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼