Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
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Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
this came to me in a vision
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you