You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
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My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
December birthdays be like…
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.