Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
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As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Previously On Persistence 😎
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*