just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
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shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…