I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
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My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Not all heroes wear capes…
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.