Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
You Might Also Like
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
PLOT TWIST:
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Brb my Sims are getting married
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best