If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
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so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
True.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!