When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
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Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
This forever.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement