I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
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[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.