The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
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1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
It be like that sometimes 😆
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
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90Me: Nailed it.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new