My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
You Might Also Like
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
The future is now.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Covid like
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
catch me on valentine’s day like
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
This is a true ally.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms