Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
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TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
mentally somewhere in italy