I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
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Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation