Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
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*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
had to share :’)
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?