I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
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I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
quarantine day 3
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.